If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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