hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
