Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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