i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
