When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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