Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
