I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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