my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
