We're facebook friends in real life
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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