i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
