Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
