I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
