You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
