Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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