Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
