I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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