my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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