so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
