No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
