Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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