bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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