i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize