how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
