i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
