So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
