Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
