I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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