he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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