I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
