alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
