Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Someone came in the potted fern
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
