I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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