I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
