I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
