some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
