i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
