Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
