just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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