I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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