Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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