You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
