True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Randomize
