if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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