Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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