I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
