Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You're a waste of cheezeits
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
