Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You can't just leave with hair like that
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
