take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
