You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
