Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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