You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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