did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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