I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize