Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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