I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
