I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
